There's so much happening in my life, and I don't know which problem to deal with first. It feels like I've forgotten how to prioritize things, or maybe I never knew how to prioritize in the first place. I easily get frustrated, and my frustration is escalating every day. Everything seems to make me emotional these days, and I mean everything. Tears well up around my eyes at the slightest trigger.
Even the simplest things, like when I called my mother two days ago to ask for permission to go watch a movie, and she replied in an angry tone, which usually doesn't faze me anymore. But that day, my voice started shaking, and tears threatened to fall like Niagara Falls. After ending the call, I cried for a good three minutes. It felt like there was a weight on my heart, and in that moment, I let it all out.
But I know I didn't let it all out because my heart still feels heavy. How can one truly let it all out when they cry? I can't seem to move on from my problems, and I know that's toxic behavior. It's like poisoning myself for no reason at all.
Honestly, I feel extra terrible this week, and even when I try to keep busy to avoid overthinking, the negative thoughts linger. I'm lying to my own feelings, trying to put on a happy facade and act like everyone else I see. I'm sure everyone is struggling with something, and I'm sure there are people faking smiles just like me. My lips may be smiling, but my heart feels heavy. Even when I laugh at jokes, it's not genuine; it's just to blend in.
Socializing has become challenging. I struggle to respond to messages or react to what people send me. It's difficult. This part is particularly triggering my tears. There's so much "I don't know" in this post. I don't recognize myself anymore; my body, mind, and soul feel like strangers. Even as I write this, I'm not sure if it's my brain or my heart letting it all out. I DON'T KNOW!
By the way, I've been sighing a lot lately, especially as I type this post. My heart feels heavier than ever. Am I becoming heartless and soulless? Why is this happening to me?
They say "time heals everything," but is that true? For me, it means forgetting the past and having faith in God for the future. It means letting go of the past because how can you heal if you hold onto it?
I'll stop here tonight, but maybe it's better if I don't continue this post. I hate seeing myself sad and emotional like this. One post is enough for me to vent everything.
With love,
Octavia (an unhappy girl atm)
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