Sunday, December 18, 2016

E.M.O

there's so much going on with my life and i don't know which problem should i deal with first. it feels like i forgot how to prioritize things or maybe it's because i actually never know how to prioritize in the first place. i'm the type of person who gets frustrated very easily and my frustration is getting out of hand each day. everything just make me so emotional these days. and i mean it. EVERYTHING. my tears will literally starts to be filled up around my eyes when something triggers it.

even for the most simplest thing like two days ago when i called my mother to ask for permission on whether if i can go to watch movies or not and she replied in a somewhat angry tone which i'm not really afraid anymore  ACTUALLY but i don't why but that day my voice started to be all shaky and tears was about to fall like Niagara falls, after i ended my call with my mother i started crying for a good three minutes. I felt like there's so much things piled up in my heart and  that moment i've let it all out.

but i'm pretty sure i didn't let it ALL out because my heart still feels heavy at this moment. like how can a person actually let it all out when they cry?? i can't seem to move on with my problems and yeah i know that's a bad thing. that's a toxic behavior. it's like poisoning myself for no particular reason at all.

to be really honest, i feel extra crappy this week and even when i tried to do more things each day so i don't think too much..  all those negative thoughts don't leave me alone. and i started to lie to my own feelings. i tried to be happy and put on a smile each day and just be like everyone else that i see in my daily life. i'm sure everyone is fighting for something in their life and everyone has problems. and i'm sure there are people who's faking their smile just like me. i feel my lips is shaped into a smile but my heart is as heavy as a rock. even when i have a smile on, i feel so soulless. even when i laugh at jokes, it's not because i find them funny but i just feel the need to laugh it off because everyone else around me are laughing.

socializing has become very hard for me to do these days. i don't know how to say it. but i just it's hard. i'm starting to forget how to reply people's messages. like i don't know how to give reactions to what they sent to me. IT'S HARD. this part is seriously triggering my tears to fall. i feel like there's so much "i don't know" in this post. i feel like i don't recognize myself anymore. my body, mind and soul are like stranger to me now. even when i'm typing this post, i'm not sure which part of me is actually letting this all out. is it my brain or is it my heart? I DON'T KNOW!

by the way, i felt like i've been sighing very often these few days and even more when i'm typing this post. apart from that, i feel my heart is very heavy now. i feel like my heart is sinking deeper each day. am i going to be a heartless and soulless person? why is this happening to me? why??


they say "time will heals everything", but is that true? for me it means to forget about the past and have faith in God for whatever that'll be happening in the future. to be more direct, it means TO FORGET THE PAST. because if you don't, how are you going to heal everything? it's not going to be healed if you're letting it go.

i'm going to stop here tonight.

but it will be even better if i don't continue this post anymore.

i hate seeing myself sad and emo like this.

one post is enough for me to vent everything.

hmmmm...

With love,
Octavia
(an unhappy girl atm)




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